"I wanted you to love me the way I loved you. But that kind of love is no good. My kind of love is only meant for me to give." -Calandria Davis
I was once told that loving too hard was a fatal love. Even worse was the statement came from someone I had loved ridiculously. Imagine the dilemma of not wanting to accept that such a thing existed, this concept of "loving too hard" but having the one you had fell so remorselessly for tell that very thing. It's not an easy pill to swallow and in my opinion you shouldn't try. Loving too hard is NOT a fault or flaw of yours, in fact, it is of theirs.
The way we express our feelings is ultimately determined by our personality. This "love personality" is built by our past experiences and well as in-bred traits. Some are very vocal and passionate while others are subtle and intimate. We are all familiar with the Bible verses from 1 Corinthian 13:4-8; "Love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast, it is not proud." If we take it into context, these verses are instructions on how to love no matter your personality type. In particular, verse 8 starts "Love never fails", and this, for me, is where the loving hard comes in. Even when the object of your affection is no longer deserving, anything less than your all seems like an injustice.
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Kelly's Law: On Good Women Who Make Bad Choices
One of life's mysteries will always be how sensible, level-headed people seem to lose all composure once they're emotionally influenced. Women in particular, as is our nature, commonly follow this behavior and I have yet to understand how some of the most successful women just can't seem to get it right. Too many times I've seen (or experienced myself) women who are driven and focused in all other avenues of life. You see these educated women with progressive careers who are classy, ambitious, able to make practical choices. But then along comes Mr. I Know How to Look Like Mr. Right and none of the rules we used to get where we are seem to apply. While there are some women who's lives are just as whimsical and unstable as their relationships, they simply have more growing to do in general and to put it bluntly, cannot have too much expected of them. But it's the good women who make bad choices that I want to consider.
Part of the problem, I believe, is this balance struggle between a woman's "role" versus her own personal ambitions and goals. We desire to be independent and self sufficient if necessary yet still sometimes need to feel that it's not all on us. So while we are capable of holding that globe on our shoulders, deep down we don't want to do it alone.What a lot of us don't understand is that we don't have to either. We most certainly have the right to want to be made complete by a significant other but must somehow understand that the 2 don't have to contradict each other. We can be strong partners while still allowing a man to feel like a man at the end of the day.
So while we enjoy the power we have in our roles in independent life, we too easily relinquish it at that first heart flutter. Very little emotion is required to progress at work or in school, so our reserve overflows and spews out once a potential match comes along. Then these 2 parts of the same person somehow get disconnected. The logic and reasoning used to progress does not translate once that dopamine begins to flow. Outside of a relationship, we know that if I want to achieve A, B, C, I must follow steps 1, 2, 3 systematically, no exceptions, no shortcuts. Yet in a relationship, we know we want D, E, F but settle for D & E alone meanwhile fabricating excuses for why we don't necessarily need F. Until we are in a place where our partner is no longer accountable for anything. Our emotions have taken over and logical reasoning is irrelevant when compared to how we "feel".
Kelly's Law: In the same way that we did not settle for below average education or careers, we must also hold our men & relationships to the same standards and goals for the same level of success. It is so easy to allow our feelings to dictate that part of our lives while everything else is handled rationally. One thing that is certain, however, is that every thing that happens to us is a result of decisions and choices we have made to that effect. Once you discover who you are, own it. And if you're not satisfied with that person, change it. But essentially you must take responsibility for the choices you make because you have no control over how other's react to you. You can be a great woman if you simply chose to do be one.
Part of the problem, I believe, is this balance struggle between a woman's "role" versus her own personal ambitions and goals. We desire to be independent and self sufficient if necessary yet still sometimes need to feel that it's not all on us. So while we are capable of holding that globe on our shoulders, deep down we don't want to do it alone.What a lot of us don't understand is that we don't have to either. We most certainly have the right to want to be made complete by a significant other but must somehow understand that the 2 don't have to contradict each other. We can be strong partners while still allowing a man to feel like a man at the end of the day.
So while we enjoy the power we have in our roles in independent life, we too easily relinquish it at that first heart flutter. Very little emotion is required to progress at work or in school, so our reserve overflows and spews out once a potential match comes along. Then these 2 parts of the same person somehow get disconnected. The logic and reasoning used to progress does not translate once that dopamine begins to flow. Outside of a relationship, we know that if I want to achieve A, B, C, I must follow steps 1, 2, 3 systematically, no exceptions, no shortcuts. Yet in a relationship, we know we want D, E, F but settle for D & E alone meanwhile fabricating excuses for why we don't necessarily need F. Until we are in a place where our partner is no longer accountable for anything. Our emotions have taken over and logical reasoning is irrelevant when compared to how we "feel".
Kelly's Law: In the same way that we did not settle for below average education or careers, we must also hold our men & relationships to the same standards and goals for the same level of success. It is so easy to allow our feelings to dictate that part of our lives while everything else is handled rationally. One thing that is certain, however, is that every thing that happens to us is a result of decisions and choices we have made to that effect. Once you discover who you are, own it. And if you're not satisfied with that person, change it. But essentially you must take responsibility for the choices you make because you have no control over how other's react to you. You can be a great woman if you simply chose to do be one.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Kelly's Law on Troubled Young Girls
"Fathers, be good to your daughters; Daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers; So mother's be good to your daughters too."
10 years ago, there was no one in the world that could have convinced me that I would look to my own mother's techniques on how to raise my daughter. My younger sister and I both resolved that if we ever had children we would do everything the opposite of her because we felt forever scarred and traumatized by her strict & unorthodox methods of discipline. Although at times, she was extreme and borderline abusive, it is only now that the message of her tactics has become clear. She refused to fail as a parent and she refused to give up on her daughters. Now by today's standards my sister and I were the ideal children; excellent grades, well behaved, disciplined and obedient for the most part. And any minor transgressions were quickly thwarted by harsh punishment even until the day we turned 18. Although part of me resented living in a sheltered bubble for my entire childhood, I do not regret the outcome. We learned valuable lessons about self-respect, classiness, work-ethic that many of the young ladies of the younger generations are lacking. Those 3 things, when exhibited in all areas of life are what define womanhood, but they must be instilled from early on to make any impact in the future.
I could name several examples of young girls that I know who lack one or all of those traits but for personal privacy I will omit those anecdotes. However, the parents in their lives either do not know how to teach these things because they themselves lack it OR they realize the problem too late and give up before they've even started. I'm a firm believer that NO CHILD IS A LOST CAUSE. And giving up on your daughters has got to be the greatest tragedy of our society. The reason being is that 99% of the time, we rebel as a way of seeking validation. In a sense, we don't know ourselves, so we don't love ourselves and all we are looking for is someone who will love us enough for us to find a reason to love ourselves. It is rare that a mother alone can do this, especially when she herself may not have all the answers. And sometimes even with a father around, if he isn't an active participant in discipline and nurturing, it has the same effect.
Ultimately the last thing you want to do is deflect the problem onto someone else. Sending your daughter to someone else to "fix her" is a mistake I've seen backfire over and over again. Because the message you're sending is that you have given up, that you are not strong enough to deal with someone you have birthed, and that you no longer care enough to fight for her. You have to fight, pray, and then fight some more, so the more she pushes, the more you pull closer. And even when you're at your wit's end, you kneel down and pray again and then get up and fight some more. And once you're done everything within your power, keep on fighting still but never forget to love her with the love of God. That unrelenting, all-forgiving, truly unconditional love, a love that is more powerful than any in this world.
Kelly's Law: Never stop fighting for your daughter's.
10 years ago, there was no one in the world that could have convinced me that I would look to my own mother's techniques on how to raise my daughter. My younger sister and I both resolved that if we ever had children we would do everything the opposite of her because we felt forever scarred and traumatized by her strict & unorthodox methods of discipline. Although at times, she was extreme and borderline abusive, it is only now that the message of her tactics has become clear. She refused to fail as a parent and she refused to give up on her daughters. Now by today's standards my sister and I were the ideal children; excellent grades, well behaved, disciplined and obedient for the most part. And any minor transgressions were quickly thwarted by harsh punishment even until the day we turned 18. Although part of me resented living in a sheltered bubble for my entire childhood, I do not regret the outcome. We learned valuable lessons about self-respect, classiness, work-ethic that many of the young ladies of the younger generations are lacking. Those 3 things, when exhibited in all areas of life are what define womanhood, but they must be instilled from early on to make any impact in the future.
I could name several examples of young girls that I know who lack one or all of those traits but for personal privacy I will omit those anecdotes. However, the parents in their lives either do not know how to teach these things because they themselves lack it OR they realize the problem too late and give up before they've even started. I'm a firm believer that NO CHILD IS A LOST CAUSE. And giving up on your daughters has got to be the greatest tragedy of our society. The reason being is that 99% of the time, we rebel as a way of seeking validation. In a sense, we don't know ourselves, so we don't love ourselves and all we are looking for is someone who will love us enough for us to find a reason to love ourselves. It is rare that a mother alone can do this, especially when she herself may not have all the answers. And sometimes even with a father around, if he isn't an active participant in discipline and nurturing, it has the same effect.
Ultimately the last thing you want to do is deflect the problem onto someone else. Sending your daughter to someone else to "fix her" is a mistake I've seen backfire over and over again. Because the message you're sending is that you have given up, that you are not strong enough to deal with someone you have birthed, and that you no longer care enough to fight for her. You have to fight, pray, and then fight some more, so the more she pushes, the more you pull closer. And even when you're at your wit's end, you kneel down and pray again and then get up and fight some more. And once you're done everything within your power, keep on fighting still but never forget to love her with the love of God. That unrelenting, all-forgiving, truly unconditional love, a love that is more powerful than any in this world.
Kelly's Law: Never stop fighting for your daughter's.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Kelly's Law On Friend With Benefits
"Sex without love is merely healthy exercise." ~ Robert A. Heinlein
I guess its important to define the term "friends with benefits". In many cases a couple with this type of arrangement has a lot in common and enjoy each other's company outside of the bedroom. The only thing that differentiates this from a platonic friendship are the "benefits"...which normally include sexual intercourse or other sexual transactions. The key is that both individuals have some pleasure out of the exchange and you two can still be cool afterwards.A Booty Call is NOT the same a friend with benefits. The difference here is the mutuality. In a "booty call" situation, one party reaches out to the other when in need and there is an exchange but mutual pleasure is no guarantee. There's also no real communication prior, during, or afterwards. A booty call knows that he or she is a booty call and there is minimal chance for complication.
Beware of INTIMACY. Intimacy is often wrongly defined as a physical act between lovers but in reality it simply describes the connection or closeness between 2 people. When you're simply friends with someone and also having sex with them, it often times becomes complicated because either party may fall victim to the intimacy that comes along with a real friendship. Intimacy + sexual attraction = LOVE.
Therefore to achieve a successful "friends with benefits" relationship, its best to just be friendly rather than be true friends. ~Kelly's Law
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Kelly's Law on Ex Girlfriends
“And I shall find some girl perhaps, and a better one than you,With eyes as wise, but kindlier, and lips as soft,but true, and I daresay she will do”Rupert Brooke
While we have all been through break ups, how we carry ourselves in the days, weeks, or months following says a lot about our character. As women, we tend to be more forthcoming with our weaknesses in these times and often indulge in vengeful or spiteful behavior as a way of coping. At the end, we can chalk it up to grief and as time passes our passion decreases in the process commonly known as moving on. A small percentage, however, might go as far as to lose our dignity, and that may be the greatest loss of all.
Lose the man, but never your dignity. But you accomplish just that when you allow things that should no longer matter to affect your attitude and actions. Don't ever claim a man who doesn't claim you as his woman. He changed his status, he's seeing other women (without hiding it), and for all intents and purposes he's behaving as a single man. The new woman in his life is NOT to blame. This one I understand because its so easy to deflect the blame onto someone you don't know or care for. Its easy to say "if not for her, I might still have a chance..." but you're lying to yourself. Truth is you're not together because he wasn't faithful or because you weren't faithful. Either way, you both must take responsibility for the part you both played in its failure. This new girl (assuming she isn't a friend or family member) owes you no loyalty and has no interest in your (the ex girlfriend's) happiness. You are in control of your own happiness. So your relationship failed. It happens to the best of us. But that doesn't mean you are no longer entitled to happiness or that he should be able to dictate it. No one person should be able to control that except you.
Own your anger, grief, & heart ache. Own your sadness. Then move on. Own your growth, maturity, and experiece and ultimately your happiness, with or without him ~Kelly's Law
While we have all been through break ups, how we carry ourselves in the days, weeks, or months following says a lot about our character. As women, we tend to be more forthcoming with our weaknesses in these times and often indulge in vengeful or spiteful behavior as a way of coping. At the end, we can chalk it up to grief and as time passes our passion decreases in the process commonly known as moving on. A small percentage, however, might go as far as to lose our dignity, and that may be the greatest loss of all.
Lose the man, but never your dignity. But you accomplish just that when you allow things that should no longer matter to affect your attitude and actions. Don't ever claim a man who doesn't claim you as his woman. He changed his status, he's seeing other women (without hiding it), and for all intents and purposes he's behaving as a single man. The new woman in his life is NOT to blame. This one I understand because its so easy to deflect the blame onto someone you don't know or care for. Its easy to say "if not for her, I might still have a chance..." but you're lying to yourself. Truth is you're not together because he wasn't faithful or because you weren't faithful. Either way, you both must take responsibility for the part you both played in its failure. This new girl (assuming she isn't a friend or family member) owes you no loyalty and has no interest in your (the ex girlfriend's) happiness. You are in control of your own happiness. So your relationship failed. It happens to the best of us. But that doesn't mean you are no longer entitled to happiness or that he should be able to dictate it. No one person should be able to control that except you.
Own your anger, grief, & heart ache. Own your sadness. Then move on. Own your growth, maturity, and experiece and ultimately your happiness, with or without him ~Kelly's Law
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